Finding Reason

There is a theory which states that if anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrere and inexplicable. My theory is that this has already happened. How else could one explain the weird, yet wonderful and random thing that life on this planet is most days. 

Life is melancholy and life is joy. It’s chaotic and peaceful. It’s full of meaning yet some days feel empty and pointless. Life is a whole dimension of color-pallets yet what seems to matter is the space between the perceptible. Life is intense and it is all kinds of moments, not just the happy ones. Even though the happy ones are like the cherry on top of this absurd swirl. 

In fact, wo don’t recognize the happiest moments of our lives as we are living them. It may well be that in a moment of joy we might truly believe that we are living that golden instant „now“, but whatever we say, in part of our hearts we still believe in the certainty of happier moments to come. Actually giving a moment value and purpose is something that happens in retrospect and with perspective.

This particular prospect has always been something that made me especially nostalgic caused by the feeling of not having enjoyed specific moments enough, not having lived them to the fullest. After all it’s in the nature of moments, that they pass away in a heartbeat. 

The only way to catch these little heartbeats of happiness are photographs and memories. Actually photographs are nothing more then preserved memories. That is what I like about them. Sometimes I wish that photographs were physical places you could crawl inside to go back. Hide in them and experience a perfect moment one more time. Unfortunately it’s this impossibility that makes moments so unique and perfect after all. They are beautiful, because they are transitory. Just like life. Just like us.

The universe is not made of atoms, it’s made stories, moments and the very tender membrane of emotions that’s stretched between us, that connects everything and everyone. 

So maybe that’s what everything is about. Not discovering the reason why, but being the reason. Being your own legitimation, that you do exist in this time a space, that you exist in this universe. How random and absurd and hopeless it may seem somedays.

photography by n.guan and me.

Scar(r)ed

Being scared ist caused mostly by thinking. That’s what I’ve learned. Thinking of what could go wrong, what has gone wrong before and thinking of old scars. Scars in their nature remind us of moments we have fallen or failed. Moments we have been hurt. And weirdly enough - or for evolutionary reasons - those moments stick with us, just like the scars. Visible and hidden. And even worse those scars are restraining us, holding us back. They remind us to be careful or to not even try, because after all it has gone wrong before and why should this time be any different? The memory of the pain is just too present.The fact is: we think nothing we want ever turns out quite the way we want it. Love or ambition, children or projects, and we go from disappointment to disappointment, from hope to denial, from expectation to surrender. As we grow older, we start to think, that what is wrong is us and our longing. So we believe or come to believe, that hope is our misconception, aspiration our mistake and expectation our error.If we shift our perspective a little, we can see that scars are so much more than just a reminder of pain and defeat. They are testimonies of survival, marks of a continuation. The actual evidence that something bad and hurtful can happen to you without destroying you. You may have fallen,you may have been hurt, injured and knocked to your knees; but you healed. With time and care. And isn’t that what life is about? Not avoiding yourself and the obstacles you have to face, but taking them head first, step by step and learning from them instead of hiding from them. 

If I leave this life, i wanna leave it scarred as fuck, not scared as hell.

Most things, once you have conquered them, become yours for ever. They become part of who you are and they can’t destroy you anymore.
Wear your scars like crowns and be proud that you survived. Let your insecurities become jewels that make you shine. They are part of who you are and always keep in mind what Yoda said: 

 

photography by aurnaud ele and me